Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Harnessed Insanity

I've told people that the reason i run is so I can focus all my crazy in this one area of my life, and be relatively even keel in most of the others because I have my outlet, and my way of dealing that let's me cope.  Life is crazy, and anyone who doesn't believe that is probably loony. I have my moments of crazy, too.  But if I can move my 170 pounds over the earth under my own power, and have my moments of peace, i can usually deal.

And that's kind of what it's about.

So, I did these intervals on Tuesday.

Intervals are only pleasurable, I think, for masochists.  The benefits from running your heart out can't really be found any other way that I've discovered, but- well.  They're tough.  And there comes a time during every interval session that I really wonder to myself: "Why am i doing this?"

It's more bare bones and gritty than it sounds, and the easy responses don't work.  "To get faster" isn't a big deal for me.  I'll never win a race; doing well in my age group is more of a happy accident than a driving force for me.  There are plenty of people in my Age Group- including the fastest marathoner in the world- who may or may not show up to any given race.

"To do what my program tells me" is a bit closer.  I know it's fairly Milgramesque, but there is a strong desire just to do whatever someone in authority tells me to do.  For this training cycle, I chose Daniels to be that authority figure, and I'm following that training cycle to see what happens.  It's a little scary to think about what that might mean for my personality, which is why I try not to think about it all that much.

But If I were to attach an... understanding... to my hard runs, I'd call it "To see what I can take."  Or, if you prefer: "To indulge in my self-destructive streak."  Part of me wants to see what it might take to break my will, and to see if I'm as soft as I think I am.  I ride that physical pain compare it to the general angst and psychological pain that comes with life, that society really can't afford to let people express visibly.

So, why do I push through the intervals?  Because it allows me to express my self destructive tendencies in a healthy and constructive way, as counter intuitive as that sounds.  I get to let my demons out to play, and I get to be both subject and object of the consequences.  I want to see if I can break myself.

It's a wonderful defense mechanism.  I wish I had discovered it sooner.

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